progress

jolly good

met someone. i think it’s time to talk about it openly. 

he’s sweet.. and that’s all that matters. that’s what i need.

pressure

i can only handle so much. i’m trying as hard as i can to be human and accept all these emotions that are overcoming me.. but i just want to push them away. that’s not healthy, but fuck, does it make me feel better. it does no good, though. because as soon as i come back to reality, there they are.. staring me in the fucking face. 

how am i supposed to kick ass at work, be a good daughter to parents who need me when they can’t depend on each other anymore, be a supportive sister when she has a mental breakdown, be a good friend and a social butterfly when really all i want to is cry about how much different my life will be in just a couple weeks? i won’t see my mother much anymore, i won’t see my father much anymore. i won’t have my cats. my home has been completely taken away from me. 2 weeks ago, when i would leave work, i would be relieved at the thought of driving home and reveling in the peaceful energy of that house. now, i leave work wishing i could stay a couple more hours and dreading the interactions i will have once i arrive at my house. i never want to be there, but i feel an incredible amount of guilt for thinking that way. 

suppressing emotion can only work for so long. but i really hate feeling like shit all the time. in times like these, i really wish i had wings. 

back to the beginning

today was.. bittersweet, as the bff put it. but that’s precisely what it was. i’ve been dreaming about him. usually that means he’s about to pop back into my life, somehow. and even though going to see him today at the coffee shop he works at was all completely my doing, i felt that he didn’t exactly mind seeing me either. 

you see, it just so happens that we’re perfect together. It just so happens that every time we’re around each other, neither of us can sit still or hold back a smile if we lock eyes. how is it that we can come back to each other after weeks of no contact and start right where we left off? we’ve gone back and forth, back and forth for the past 10 months. and yes, it’s usually up to him whether or not we talk or hang out or share incredibly amazing nights together.. but i know that no matter how many times he pushes me away, he can’t deny that he cares about me. ever since the first day when he came around the corner, out of nowhere, and we ran straight into each other, he has looked at me like i was something special. 

but here i am, once again, back to the beginning of this cycle you’ve got me in. and i’m just willing to take it. because i’ve come to the conclusion that i would rather wait and be with you more than any other option. you are what i want, i can’t deny it any longer. that’s how it’s always been, and how it’ll always be until you let me love you. because i do. yeah..i love you.

holy shit.

well ain’t that somethin’

it’s been awhile. the longer i go, the easier it gets. but still sometimes a little memory of you will pop into my head. i’ll see something that you would wear. i’ll watch the history channel. i’ll change the speed on my turntable. i’ll get an iced americano, black. i’ll do all of these things that i would normally do; it just so happens that you do them too. it was so much fun when we used to do them together. 

i guess i’ll just have to catch you another time. i wish i could say that i could deny you, but i think we both know it would be ridiculously difficult. aren’t you just irresistible.. kinda makes me sick.